Every kid knows that that they're not as young and naive as the rest
of the world makes them out to be, or maybe they don't, so that's why
they take advantage of that. I know I did. After hearing the line
"You're too young to know what love it" throughout high school I
started to believe it. But it only made me try to understand so much
more.
I never had the opportunity to "fall in love" in high school because
kids are stupid and believe what their elders tell them about the sins
of homosexuality. Because of this I got to grow up feeling dirty about
my desires, and staying closeted with the other folks that I much
later learned were queer too. My heart beat a little bit faster at one
point in high school when I saw two girls kiss and walk down the hall
holding hands, but my fears were confirmed weeks later when they had
to transfer out of the school (into separate ones) because they were
being physically and emotionally harrassed.
I was a stupid kid and let my community's stupid views keep my real
self hidden, causing me to feel completely alone. Because I did not
have the opportunity or courage to get even a little taste of what
true love was all about for me, I spent an entire year of high school
in a relationship with a man. I needed to not be alone and make myself
love a Man. Our relationship was the most "adult" relatonship I have
ever had. It was filled with meaningless sex, hateful words, tears,
police, and lies. He was the first person I told about my desire to be
with a woman. He didn't mind. He tried to find one for us to share.
Thank goodness that never happened.
High school was not about Biology or Physics, and dances were a
living hell filled with my visions that someday I could run away into
a queer haven filled with beautiful ladies that I could sweep across
the floor with. High school depleted the love that I had for myself
and the love I had for others. It made me angry at the world and at
myself for being so abnormal. However, because of all this anger and
self-realization, it prepared me to run away and truly lead me to
love. I now find myself hundreds of miles away into the land I always
dreamed of. The pain I went through in high school has fueled a
passionate and secretless life full of rainbows and dancing, honesty,
courage, the best nights of my life, broken hearts, and most of all
love. I love the queer culture, and all of the brave and happy souls
within it. I love the unhappy queers and enjoy sharing our pains
together. I love the haters because I have finally found a voice to
speak up against them, to defend my pride and my thousands of brothers
and sisters here. I love high school for fueling my fire. I can't wait
until our reunion to come back with a proud woman on my arm and
finally be myself.
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1 comment:
Very well written, but I never knew any gay kids when I was in school at any grade. Guess it was too long ago. After school was over I met a friend from school that had many gay friends, but I never asked if he was. I did know one or two gay guys, they were older than me at the time. I have had friends from all walks of live and it never bothered me.
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